The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
best review i’ve ever seen
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday