What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
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Dune (2021)
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*