Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
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I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Xylophonist Shredding It
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t