If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.