This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
i smell a pulitzer
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Just a friendly reminder!
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
When you don’t understand how floors work
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.