ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Good advice.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
just having fun
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?