You Might Also Like
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Nothing to do, you say?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled