I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
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Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault