(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
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Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children