My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.