It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
You Might Also Like
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.