*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Yoga Matt
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My dating profile:
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”