netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
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Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.