Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
awkward
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.