He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.