I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
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If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”