WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
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ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
For the baby who has everything
God has left this place
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Whoa… oh I see lol
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“Why you watching this shit?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going