What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
You Might Also Like
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.