You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
You Might Also Like
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Mood.. 😂
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.