Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
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me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan