Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.