A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
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ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”