(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
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My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]