*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
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Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?