* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Me irl
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
wut hotdog?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
#CatsOnTwitter
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage