Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
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Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
(Gaming support cat.)
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“and how does that make you feel?”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”