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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door