Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
You Might Also Like
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”