I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
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Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Optional boss fight.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Rather alarming headline…
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.