Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..