[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water