I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
The days of good grammer has went
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.