Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.