My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Good morning.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…