yeah not falling for this one
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.