My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Something Saturday.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.