Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.