People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
You Might Also Like
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
men are simple creatures
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Light as a feather, smorg as a board