Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr