My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
You Might Also Like
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
What if all the cashiers are married?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Chicken bread
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.