anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
A game married people play.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
ready to be harvested
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.