Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
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Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound