I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
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Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Happy Star Wars day!
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.