Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
(True)
tinder is all about the long game
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending