I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor