I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
u spoke cat all this time??????
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!