*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.