I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
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He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
✌🏽
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.