me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.