*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Wait for it
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.